Colossians 3:19

KJV

Husbands, love [your] wives, and be not bitter against them.

KJV (with Strong's)

Husbands {G435}, love {G25} your wives {G1135}, and {G2532} be {G4087} not {G3361} bitter {G4087} against {G4314} them {G846}.

Complete Jewish Bible

Husbands, love your wives and don’t treat them harshly.

Berean Standard Bible

Husbands, love your wives and do not be harsh with them.

American Standard Version

Husbands, love your wives, and be not bitter against them.

Commentary

### SUMMARY
Colossians 3:19 delivers a foundational command for Christian husbands, urging them to actively and sacrificially love their wives while simultaneously warning against any form of bitterness or harshness. This instruction is part of Paul's broader exhortation on living out the new identity in Christ within the practical spheres of daily life, particularly the household, establishing a paradigm for marital relationships that stands in stark contrast to the prevailing cultural norms of the Greco-Roman world.

### CONTEXT
* **Literary Context:** Colossians 3:19 is situated within the latter half of Paul's letter to the Colossians, which transitions from profound theological exposition to practical ethical instruction. Chapters 1 and 2 establish the supremacy of Christ and the believer's complete identity "in Him," emphasizing that believers have been raised with Christ and are to set their minds on things above ([Colossians 3:1-4](/colossians/3-1-4 "Colossians 3:1-4 - New Life in Christ")). Following this, Paul exhorts believers to "put to death" earthly desires and "put on" new virtues like compassion, kindness, humility, gentleness, patience, and forgiveness ([Colossians 3:5-17](/colossians/3-5-17 "Colossians 3:5-17 - Putting Off the Old, Putting On the New")). Verse 19 specifically falls within a section often referred to as a "household code" ([Colossians 3:18-4:1](/colossians/3-18-4-1 "Colossians 3:18-4:1 - Household Code")), where Paul provides specific instructions for wives, husbands, children, parents, slaves, and masters, demonstrating how the new life in Christ transforms all relational dynamics, starting with the most intimate. This verse immediately follows the command for wives to submit to their husbands ([Colossians 3:18](/colossians/3-18 "Colossians 3:18 - Wives, Submit")), creating a balanced and reciprocal set of responsibilities within the Christian marriage.

* **Historical & Cultural Context:** The Greco-Roman world in which Paul wrote was predominantly patriarchal, granting husbands and fathers extensive authority, often absolute, over their households. Wives, children, and slaves typically had limited rights and were considered property or subordinates. While Roman law offered some protections, the prevailing cultural ethos often permitted husbands to treat their wives with a degree of harshness, neglect, or even abuse, without significant social repercussions. Against this backdrop, Paul's instructions were revolutionary. By commanding husbands to "love" their wives with a specific kind of love (agape) and to "not be bitter against them," he was challenging deeply ingrained societal norms. This elevated the status of women within Christian marriage, demanding a relationship built on mutual respect, self-sacrificial love, and emotional well-being, rather than mere dominance and subservience. This counter-cultural ethic underscored the transformative power of the gospel on personal and relational conduct.

* **Key Themes:** Colossians 3:19 contributes significantly to several key themes within the letter and broader Pauline theology. The primary theme is **Christian Ethics and Transformed Relationships**, illustrating how the believer's new identity "in Christ" ([Colossians 3:3](/colossians/3-3 "Colossians 3:3 - Your Life is Hidden with Christ")) should manifest in practical, everyday interactions, particularly within the most foundational human relationship—marriage. It emphasizes **Selfless Love (Agape)** as the cornerstone of Christian conduct, moving beyond mere obligation to a volitional, active pursuit of the spouse's highest good, mirroring Christ's love for the church ([Ephesians 5:25](/ephesians/5-25 "Ephesians 5:25 - Husbands, Love Your Wives")). Conversely, the prohibition against bitterness highlights the theme of **Avoiding Destructive Attitudes**, recognizing that internal resentment and external harshness are antithetical to Christian love and erode marital harmony. This command promotes **Marital Harmony and Holiness**, aiming for a home environment that reflects the peace and grace of Christ, where both spouses thrive spiritually and emotionally.

### EXPOSITION AND ANALYSIS

#### Key Word Analysis
* **agapáō (Greek, _agapáō'_):** This verb, translated "love," signifies a selfless, unconditional, and volitional love. It is not primarily an emotion, but a deliberate choice and action to seek the highest good of the beloved, regardless of their actions or perceived worthiness. It is a love that gives, serves, and endures, reflecting the character of God Himself. Unlike *phileo* (brotherly affection) or *eros* (romantic desire), *agapáō* is a self-sacrificial, benevolent love that prioritizes the other.
* **gynḗ (Greek, _gynḗ'_):** Translated "wives," this term specifically refers to a woman in the context of marriage. It underscores the specific relational dynamic to which the command is directed, emphasizing the unique and intimate bond between a husband and his wife, as opposed to women in general.
* **pikraínō (Greek, _pikraínō'_):** Meaning "to embitter" or "to make bitter," this word describes a state of mind or action that is sour, resentful, harsh, or severe. In this context, it implies treating one's wife with harshness, exasperation, resentment, or a critical spirit that poisons the marital relationship. It can manifest as verbal abuse, emotional coldness, neglect, or a general attitude of displeasure.

#### Verse Breakdown
* **"Husbands, love your wives":** This is a direct, imperative command to husbands. The Greek word for "love" (agapáō) signifies a profound, active, and self-sacrificial commitment. It means prioritizing the wife's well-being, spiritual growth, and emotional needs above one's own, consistently and intentionally. This love is not contingent on the wife's performance but is an outflow of the husband's new identity in Christ, mirroring Christ's own love for His church. It calls for practical acts of care, affirmation, patience, and understanding.
* **"and be not bitter against them":** This is a crucial negative command, serving as a counterpoint to the positive command to love. "Bitter" (pikraínō) implies a harsh, resentful, or exasperated attitude. It warns against allowing resentment, unforgiveness, or a critical spirit to fester in the heart and manifest in words or actions. This prohibition addresses the internal disposition that can lead to outward expressions of harshness, coldness, or neglect, which directly undermine the agape love commanded in the first part of the verse. It calls husbands to actively guard their hearts against attitudes that would poison the marital bond.

#### Literary Devices
Colossians 3:19 primarily employs **Imperative** commands, directly instructing husbands on their conduct. The verse uses **Juxtaposition** or **Antithesis** by placing a positive command ("love your wives") immediately alongside a negative prohibition ("be not bitter against them"). This **Contrast** highlights that true marital love is not merely the presence of affection but also the active absence of destructive attitudes. The structure is a clear **Ethical Instruction**, providing a concise yet profound directive for Christian living within the marital sphere. The use of "love" (agapáō) also carries significant **Symbolism**, representing the divine, self-giving love of God, which husbands are called to emulate.

### THEOLOGICAL AND THEMATIC CONNECTIONS
Colossians 3:19 deeply connects to the broader biblical understanding of God's character and the nature of covenant relationships. The command for husbands to love their wives with *agape* love is a direct reflection of God's own unconditional love for humanity, particularly as demonstrated in Christ's sacrificial love for His church. This marital love is not merely a human sentiment but a divine calling, intended to mirror the profound spiritual reality of Christ and His bride. The prohibition against bitterness underscores the importance of forgiveness and grace within relationships, echoing the call for believers to forgive one another as the Lord has forgiven them ([Colossians 3:13](/colossians/3-13 "Colossians 3:13 - Forgive One Another")). A marriage characterized by such love and freedom from bitterness becomes a powerful testimony to the transforming power of the gospel, reflecting God's design for human flourishing and holiness.

* [Ephesians 5:25](/ephesians/5-25 "Ephesians 5:25 - Husbands, Love Your Wives as Christ Loved the Church")
* [1 Peter 3:7](/1_peter/3-7 "1 Peter 3:7 - Husbands, Live with Your Wives in an Understanding Way")
* [Proverbs 15:1](/proverbs/15-1 "Proverbs 15:1 - A Gentle Answer Turns Away Wrath")

### REFLECTION AND APPLICATION
For husbands today, Colossians 3:19 remains a timeless and profoundly challenging directive. It calls for an active, intentional, and Spirit-empowered commitment to their wives that goes far beyond mere sentiment or obligation. Loving one's wife with *agape* means consistently prioritizing her spiritual, emotional, and physical well-being, fostering an environment of security, affirmation, and joy. This involves listening empathetically, serving selflessly, speaking words of encouragement, and being quick to forgive and seek reconciliation. The parallel command to "be not bitter" is equally vital, urging husbands to diligently guard their hearts against resentment, unforgiveness, or a critical spirit that can slowly poison the marital bond. It demands self-examination, humility, and a willingness to address issues promptly and graciously, ensuring that the home is a place of peace and mutual respect, reflecting the very character of Christ.

#### Questions for Reflection
* **In what specific ways do I actively demonstrate *agape* love to my wife on a daily basis, beyond just feelings?**
* **Are there any areas of bitterness, resentment, or unaddressed grievances in my heart towards my wife, and how can I seek God's grace to overcome them?**
* **How do my words and actions contribute to building up my wife and fostering a loving, secure atmosphere in our home, or do they inadvertently tear her down?**

### FAQ

**What does "bitter" mean in the context of a husband's relationship with his wife?**

Answer: In Colossians 3:19, the Greek word for "bitter" (pikraínō) implies a sour, harsh, or resentful disposition. It refers to an internal attitude of displeasure, exasperation, or resentment that can manifest outwardly through harsh words, a critical spirit, emotional distance, or even neglect. It's the opposite of the patient, kind, and forgiving nature of *agape* love. Paul warns against allowing such an attitude to fester, as it erodes intimacy and creates a toxic environment within the marriage, directly contradicting the call to selfless love. This bitterness can stem from unmet expectations, unforgiveness, or a failure to see one's wife through the lens of Christ's grace.

**Why does Paul specifically address husbands after addressing wives in the household code?**

Answer: Paul's structure in the household codes ([Colossians 3:18-4:1](/colossians/3-18-4-1 "Colossians 3:18-4:1 - Household Code")) is deliberate and counter-cultural. He addresses wives first, then husbands, then children, then parents, and finally slaves and masters. By addressing the subordinate party first (wives, children, slaves), Paul subtly elevates their status, giving them agency and dignity in a society where they had little. He then addresses the person in authority (husbands, parents, masters), placing a greater burden of responsibility and sacrificial love upon them. For husbands, the command to love and not be bitter is particularly significant because, in the patriarchal Greco-Roman world, they held immense power. Paul's instruction thus acts as a divine restraint on that power, demanding that it be exercised not for selfish gain or dominance, but in self-giving love, mirroring Christ's leadership. This order emphasizes that Christian living transforms all relationships, starting from the heart of each individual, regardless of their societal position.

### CHRIST-CENTERED FULFILLMENT
Colossians 3:19 finds its ultimate fulfillment and deepest meaning in the person and work of Jesus Christ. He is the supreme example of a "Husband" who loves His "wife," the Church, with an unconditional and self-sacrificial *agape* love. Just as husbands are commanded to love their wives, Christ "loved the church and gave himself up for her" ([Ephesians 5:25](/ephesians/5-25 "Ephesians 5:25 - Christ's Love for the Church")), demonstrating the very essence of this divine love by dying for her while she was still in sin ([Romans 5:8](/romans/5-8 "Romans 5:8 - God Demonstrates His Own Love")). Furthermore, Christ never harbors bitterness or resentment against His bride, even when she falters or is unfaithful. Instead, He continually cleanses and sanctifies her, presenting her "without spot or wrinkle or any such thing" ([Ephesians 5:27](/ephesians/5-27 "Ephesians 5:27 - Christ Sanctifies the Church")). His patience, forgiveness, and unwavering commitment provide the perfect model for husbands. Therefore, for a husband to truly love his wife and be free from bitterness, he must first be deeply rooted in Christ, drawing from the wellspring of Christ's own love for him. It is through Christ's enabling power that a husband can embody this divine call, transforming his marriage into a living testament to the gospel.

Note: Commentary is generated by AI with a directive for Biblical fidelity. Always rely on the Holy Spirit for discernment. The Scripture text and cross-references are from verified, non-AI sources.

Cross-References

1 Peter 3:7

Likewise, ye husbands, dwell with [them] according to knowledge, giving honour unto the wife, as unto the weaker vessel, and as being heirs together of the grace of life; that your prayers be not hindered.

Genesis 2:23

And Adam said, This [is] now bone of my bones, and flesh of my flesh: she shall be called Woman, because she was taken out of Man.

Genesis 2:24

Therefore shall a man leave his father and his mother, and shall cleave unto his wife: and they shall be one flesh.

Colossians 3:21

Fathers, provoke not your children [to anger], lest they be discouraged.

Ephesians 5:25

Husbands, love your wives, even as Christ also loved the church, and gave himself for it;

Ephesians 5:28

So ought men to love their wives as their own bodies. He that loveth his wife loveth himself.

Ephesians 5:29

For no man ever yet hated his own flesh; but nourisheth and cherisheth it, even as the Lord the church: