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Commentary on Colossians 3 verses 18–25
18 ¶ Wives, submit yourselves unto your own husbands, as it is fit in the Lord.
19 Husbands, love your wives, and be not bitter against them.
20 Children, obey your parents in all things: for this is well pleasing unto the Lord.
21 Fathers, provoke not your children to anger, lest they be discouraged.
22 Servants, obey in all things your masters according to the flesh; not with eyeservice, as menpleasers; but in singleness of heart, fearing God:
23 And whatsoever ye do, do it heartily, as to the Lord, and not unto men;
24 Knowing that of the Lord ye shall receive the reward of the inheritance: for ye serve the Lord Christ.
25 But he that doeth wrong shall receive for the wrong which he hath done: and there is no respect of persons.
The apostle concludes the chapter with exhortations to relative duties, as before in the epistle to the Ephesians. The epistles which are most taken up in displaying the glory of divine grace, and magnifying the Lord Jesus, are the most particular and distinct in pressing the duties of the several relations. We must never separate the privileges and duties of the gospel religion.
I. He begins with the duties of wives and husbands (Col 3:18): Wives, submit yourselves unto your own husbands, as it is fit in the Lord. Submission is the duty of wives, hupotassesthe. It is the same word which is used to express our duty to magistrates (Rom 13:1, Let every soul be subject to the higher powers), and is expressed by subjection and reverence, Eph 5:24, Eph 5:33. The reason is that Adam was first formed, then Eve: and Adam was not deceived, but the woman, being deceived, was in the transgression, Ti1 2:13, Ti1 2:14. He was first in the creation and last in the transgression. The head of the woman is the man; and the man is not of the woman, but the woman of the man; neither was the man created for the woman, but the woman for the man, Co1 11:3, Co1 11:8, Co1 11:9. It is agreeable to the order of nature and the reason of things, as well as the appointment and will of God. But then it is submission, not to a rigorous lord or absolute tyrant, who may do his will and is without restraints, but to a husband, and to her own husband, who stands in the nearest relation, and is under strict engagements to proper duty too. And this is fit in the Lord, it is becoming the relation, and what they are bound in duty to do, as an instance of obedience to the authority and law of Christ. On the other hand, husbands must love their wives, and not be bitter against them, Col 3:19. They must love them with tender and faithful affection, as Christ loved the church, and as their own bodies, and even as themselves (Eph 5:25, Eph 5:28, Eph 5:33), with a love peculiar to the nearest relation and the greatest comfort and blessing of life. And they must not be bitter against them, not use them unkindly, with harsh language or severe treatment, but be kind and obliging to them in all things; for the woman was made for the man, neither is the man without the woman, and the man also is by the woman, Co1 11:9, Co1 11:11, Co1 11:12.
II. The duties of children and parents: Children, obey your parents in all things, for this is well-pleasing unto the Lord, Col 3:20. They must be willing to do all their lawful commands, and be at their direction and disposal; as those who have a natural right and are fitter to direct them than themselves. The apostle (Eph 6:2) requires them to honour as well as obey their parents; they must esteem them and think honourably of them, as the obedience of their lives must proceed from the esteem and opinion of their minds. And this is well-pleasing to God, or acceptable to him; for it is the first commandment with promise (Eph 6:2), with an explicit promise annexed to it, namely, That it shall be well with them, and they shall live long on the earth. Dutiful children are the most likely to prosper in the world and enjoy long life. And parents must be tender, as well as children obedient (Col 3:21): "Fathers, provoke not your children to anger, lest they be discouraged. Let not your authority over them be exercised with rigour and severity, but with kindness and gentleness, lest you raise their passions and discourage them in their duty, and by holding the reins too tight make them fly out with greater fierceness." The bad temper and example of imprudent parents often prove a great hindrance to their children and a stumbling-block in their way; see Eph 6:4. And it is by the tenderness of parents, and dutifulness of children, that God ordinarily furnishes his church with a seed to serve him, and propagates religion from age to age.
III. Servants and masters: Servants, obey your masters in all things according to the flesh, Col 3:22. Servants must do the duty of the relation in which they stand, and obey their master's commands in all things which are consistent with their duty to God their heavenly Master. Not with eye-service, as men-pleasers - not only when their master's eye is upon them, but when they are from under their master's eye. They must be both just and diligent. In singleness of heart, fearing God - without selfish designs, or hypocrisy and disguise, as those who fear God and stand in awe of him. Observe, The fear of God ruling in the heart will make people good in every relation. Servants who fear God will be just and faithful when they are from under their master's eye, because they know they are under the eye of God. See Gen 20:11, Because I thought, Surely the fear of God is not in this place. Neh 5:15, But so did not I, because of the fear of God. "And whatsoever you do, do it heartily (Col 3:23), with diligence, not idly and slothfully:" or, "Do it cheerfully, not discontented at the providence of God which put you in that relation." - As to the Lord, and not as to men. It sanctifies a servant's work when it is done as unto God - with an eye to his glory and in obedience to his command, and not merely as unto men, or with regard to them only. Observe, We are really doing our duty to God when we are faithful in our duty to men. And, for servants' encouragement, let them know that a good and faithful servant is never the further from heaven for his being a servant: "Knowing that of the Lord you shall receive the reward of the inheritance, for you serve the Lord Christ, Col 3:24. Serving your masters according to the command of Christ, you serve Christ, and he will be your paymaster: you will have a glorious reward at last. Though you are now servants, you will receive the inheritance of sons. But, on the other hand, He who does wrong will receive for the wrong which he has done," Col 3:25. There is a righteous God, who, if servants wrong their masters, will reckon with them for it, though they may conceal it from their master's notice. And he will be sure to punish the unjust as well as reward the faithful servant: and so if masters wrong their servants. - And there is no respect of persons with him. The righteous Judge of the earth will be impartial, and carry it with an equal hand towards the master and servant; not swayed by any regard to men's outward circumstances and condition of life. The one and the other will stand upon a level at his tribunal.
It is probable that the apostle has a particular respect, in all these instances of duty, to the case mentioned 1 Cor. 7 of relations of a different religion, as a Christian and heathen, a Jewish convert and an uncircumcised Gentile, where there was room to doubt whether they were bound to fulfil the proper duties of their several relations to such persons. And, if it hold in such cases, it is much stronger upon Christians one towards another, and where both are of the same religion. And how happy would the gospel religion make the world, if it every where prevailed; and how much would it influence every state of things and every relation of life!
Matthew Henry (1662–1714) — Commentary on the Whole Bible. This section covers verses 18–25. Public domain.
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John ChrysostomAD 407
Homily on Colossians 10
See how again he has exhorted to reciprocity. As in the other case he enjoineth fear and love, so also doth he here. For it is possible for one who loves even, to be bitter. What he saith then is this. Fight not; for nothing is more bitter than this fighting, when it takes place on the part of the husband toward the wife. For the fightings which happen between beloved persons, these are bitter; and he shows that it ariseth from great bitterness, when, saith he, any one is at variance with his own member. To love therefore is the husband's part, to yield pertains to the other side. If then each one contributes his own part, all stands firm. From being loved, the wife too becomes loving; and from her being submissive, the husband becomes yielding. And see how in nature also it hath been so ordered, that the one should love, the other obey. For when the party governing loves the governed, then everything stands fast. Love from the governed is not so requisite, as from the governing towards the governed; for from the other obedience is due. For that the woman hath beauty, and the man desire, shows nothing else than that for the sake of love it hath been made so. Do not therefore, because thy wife is subject to thee, act the despot; nor because thy husband loveth thee, be thou puffed up. Let neither the husband's love elate the wife, nor the wife's subjection puff up the husband. For this cause hath He subjected her to thee, that she may be loved the more. For this cause He hath made thee to be loved, O wife, that thou mayest easily bear thy subjection. Fear not in being a subject; for subjection to one that loveth thee hath no hardship. Fear not in loving, for thou hast her yielding. In no other way then could a bond have been. Thou hast then thine authority of necessity, proceeding from nature; maintain also the bond that proceedeth from love, for this alloweth the weaker to be endurable.
Augustine of HippoAD 430
God forbid that a man who possesses faith should, when he hears the apostle bid men “love their wives,” love that disordered sexual desire in his wife which he ought not to love even in himself. He may know this if he listens to the words of another apostle: “Love not the world, neither the things that are in the world.” .
Source: Quotations drawn from early Church Fathers and historical Christian theologians (AD 100–1500). Some quotes address the surrounding passage context rather than this verse alone.
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SUMMARY
Colossians 3:19 delivers a foundational command for Christian husbands, urging them to actively and sacrificially love their wives while simultaneously warning against any form of bitterness or harshness. This instruction is part of Paul's broader exhortation on living out the new identity in Christ within the practical spheres of daily life, particularly the household, establishing a paradigm for marital relationships that stands in stark contrast to the prevailing cultural norms of the Greco-Roman world.
CONTEXT
Literary Context: Colossians 3:19 is situated within the latter half of Paul's letter to the Colossians, which transitions from profound theological exposition to practical ethical instruction. Chapters 1 and 2 establish the supremacy of Christ and the believer's complete identity "in Him," emphasizing that believers have been raised with Christ and are to set their minds on things above (Colossians 3:1-4). Following this, Paul exhorts believers to "put to death" earthly desires and "put on" new virtues like compassion, kindness, humility, gentleness, patience, and forgiveness (Colossians 3:5-17). Verse 19 specifically falls within a section often referred to as a "household code" (Colossians 3:18-25 and Colossians 4:1), where Paul provides specific instructions for wives, husbands, children, parents, slaves, and masters, demonstrating how the new life in Christ transforms all relational dynamics, starting with the most intimate. This verse immediately follows the command for wives to submit to their husbands (Colossians 3:18), creating a balanced and reciprocal set of responsibilities within the Christian marriage.
Historical & Cultural Context: The Greco-Roman world in which Paul wrote was predominantly patriarchal, granting husbands and fathers extensive authority, often absolute, over their households. Wives, children, and slaves typically had limited rights and were considered property or subordinates. While Roman law offered some protections, the prevailing cultural ethos often permitted husbands to treat their wives with a degree of harshness, neglect, or even abuse, without significant social repercussions. Against this backdrop, Paul's instructions were revolutionary. By commanding husbands to "love" their wives with a specific kind of love (agape) and to "not be bitter against them," he was challenging deeply ingrained societal norms. This elevated the status of women within Christian marriage, demanding a relationship built on mutual respect, self-sacrificial love, and emotional well-being, rather than mere dominance and subservience. This counter-cultural ethic underscored the transformative power of the gospel on personal and relational conduct.
Key Themes: Colossians 3:19 contributes significantly to several key themes within the letter and broader Pauline theology. The primary theme is Christian Ethics and Transformed Relationships, illustrating how the believer's new identity "in Christ" (Colossians 3:3) should manifest in practical, everyday interactions, particularly within the most foundational human relationship—marriage. It emphasizes Selfless Love (Agape) as the cornerstone of Christian conduct, moving beyond mere obligation to a volitional, active pursuit of the spouse's highest good, mirroring Christ's love for the church (Ephesians 5:25). Conversely, the prohibition against bitterness highlights the theme of Avoiding Destructive Attitudes, recognizing that internal resentment and external harshness are antithetical to Christian love and erode marital harmony. This command promotes Marital Harmony and Holiness, aiming for a home environment that reflects the peace and grace of Christ, where both spouses thrive spiritually and emotionally.
EXPOSITION AND ANALYSIS
Key Word Analysis
Verse Breakdown
Literary Devices
Colossians 3:19 primarily employs Imperative commands, directly instructing husbands on their conduct. The verse uses Juxtaposition or Antithesis by placing a positive command ("love your wives") immediately alongside a negative prohibition ("be not bitter against them"). This Contrast highlights that true marital love is not merely the presence of affection but also the active absence of destructive attitudes. The structure is a clear Ethical Instruction, providing a concise yet profound directive for Christian living within the marital sphere. The use of "love" (agapáō) also carries significant Symbolism, representing the divine, self-giving love of God, which husbands are called to emulate.
THEOLOGICAL AND THEMATIC CONNECTIONS
Colossians 3:19 deeply connects to the broader biblical understanding of God's character and the nature of covenant relationships. The command for husbands to love their wives with agape love is a direct reflection of God's own unconditional love for humanity, particularly as demonstrated in Christ's sacrificial love for His church. This marital love is not merely a human sentiment but a divine calling, intended to mirror the profound spiritual reality of Christ and His bride. The prohibition against bitterness underscores the importance of forgiveness and grace within relationships, echoing the call for believers to forgive one another as the Lord has forgiven them (Colossians 3:13). A marriage characterized by such love and freedom from bitterness becomes a powerful testimony to the transforming power of the gospel, reflecting God's design for human flourishing and holiness.
REFLECTION AND APPLICATION
For husbands today, Colossians 3:19 remains a timeless and profoundly challenging directive. It calls for an active, intentional, and Spirit-empowered commitment to their wives that goes far beyond mere sentiment or obligation. Loving one's wife with agape means consistently prioritizing her spiritual, emotional, and physical well-being, fostering an environment of security, affirmation, and joy. This involves listening empathetically, serving selflessly, speaking words of encouragement, and being quick to forgive and seek reconciliation. The parallel command to "be not bitter" is equally vital, urging husbands to diligently guard their hearts against resentment, unforgiveness, or a critical spirit that can slowly poison the marital bond. It demands self-examination, humility, and a willingness to address issues promptly and graciously, ensuring that the home is a place of peace and mutual respect, reflecting the very character of Christ.
Questions for Reflection
FAQ
What does "bitter" mean in the context of a husband's relationship with his wife?
Answer: In Colossians 3:19, the Greek word for "bitter" (pikraínō) implies a sour, harsh, or resentful disposition. It refers to an internal attitude of displeasure, exasperation, or resentment that can manifest outwardly through harsh words, a critical spirit, emotional distance, or even neglect. It's the opposite of the patient, kind, and forgiving nature of agape love. Paul warns against allowing such an attitude to fester, as it erodes intimacy and creates a toxic environment within the marriage, directly contradicting the call to selfless love. This bitterness can stem from unmet expectations, unforgiveness, or a failure to see one's wife through the lens of Christ's grace.
Why does Paul specifically address husbands after addressing wives in the household code?
Answer: Paul's structure in the household codes (Colossians 3:18-25 and Colossians 4:1) is deliberate and counter-cultural. He addresses wives first, then husbands, then children, then parents, and finally slaves and masters. By addressing the subordinate party first (wives, children, slaves), Paul subtly elevates their status, giving them agency and dignity in a society where they had little. He then addresses the person in authority (husbands, parents, masters), placing a greater burden of responsibility and sacrificial love upon them. For husbands, the command to love and not be bitter is particularly significant because, in the patriarchal Greco-Roman world, they held immense power. Paul's instruction thus acts as a divine restraint on that power, demanding that it be exercised not for selfish gain or dominance, but in self-giving love, mirroring Christ's leadership. This order emphasizes that Christian living transforms all relationships, starting from the heart of each individual, regardless of their societal position.
CHRIST-CENTERED FULFILLMENT
Colossians 3:19 finds its ultimate fulfillment and deepest meaning in the person and work of Jesus Christ. He is the supreme example of a "Husband" who loves His "wife," the Church, with an unconditional and self-sacrificial agape love. Just as husbands are commanded to love their wives, Christ "loved the church and gave himself up for her" (Ephesians 5:25), demonstrating the very essence of this divine love by dying for her while she was still in sin (Romans 5:8). Furthermore, Christ never harbors bitterness or resentment against His bride, even when she falters or is unfaithful. Instead, He continually cleanses and sanctifies her, presenting her "without spot or wrinkle or any such thing" (Ephesians 5:27). His patience, forgiveness, and unwavering commitment provide the perfect model for husbands. Therefore, for a husband to truly love his wife and be free from bitterness, he must first be deeply rooted in Christ, drawing from the wellspring of Christ's own love for him. It is through Christ's enabling power that a husband can embody this divine call, transforming his marriage into a living testament to the gospel.